Maybe you're the problem...

"Men always know who their heart belongs to. So even if you cook chicken in diamond sauce and do monkey style in bed, if it’s not you, it’s not you."

Tunde Edunt

I initially saw this quote on my whatsapp as it was someone's display picture and it made me think a little. Many women often forget that the same way we reject men so heartlessly for the most trivial reasons, they can do the same too. Just because you cater to what you think is his every need doesn't mean he has to ignore your foul attitude, inability to grow with him mentally or spiritually, work towards your future as a couple rather than just yours....the list goes on but basically accepting your selfish ways because you're so focused on being perfect externally. The world is now so image concious that we would rather please those looking in on the relationship rather than the other person in the relationship. Women often complain about a man's inability to communicate, but what if the problem is your inability to communicate about anything other than yourself?  (It has been rumoured that Kim and Kanye may be separating because of her dislike for change and learning new things. The only thing they have in common besides North is admiring Kim...how boring!). Women now find a man to ensure THEIR happiness and to complete THEMSELVES, but what about him?

When I got to university the whole relationship thing changed. It was either casual sex or full on relationship in a matter of weeks, considering you didn't really know each other. No-one really seemed to be dating, which I would consider to be the most important part of a relationship. You get to know each other, asses what the other person wants/can offer you and vice versa. It was all 'sleep at mine, order food, watch movies, minimal conversation and sex' for many most of the time. Many guys, as expected, were sleeping with several girls at once or had girlfriends at home. This wasn't a surprise to me, the whole thing quite amused me if anything. Around the same time it had become almost crucial for girls to know how to cook, have the biggest bum and want endless sex in order to qualify as girlfriend material. I've heard countless stories about girls missing lectures to cook for guys *very confused face* sorry but I'd rather you missed a lecture purely because you didn't want to go. But once these boys finally caught feelings and actually spent time with the girl, they realised there was nothing more to them than their chicken seasoning abilities. This and the elimination of the dating process could only result in one thing, hundreds of failed relationships. 

Let's be honest, the majority of women regardless of age get into relationships to benefit themselves. When asking various women if this was how they felt, many said yes and did not consider it selfish at all. This may be because for many years most married women were housewives and nothing more. We have now entered a time where the working woman is highly respected and no longer considered undesirable or as intimidating as she may have once been. For this reason, some women feel it is their right to carry that same level of control in to their relationship and marry solely to perfect themselves and boast to friends, rather than finding a man that brings out the best in them. A lot of women also believe that keeping a man is as easy as sex or cooking all the time, but it is rarely that simple. A prime example is the beloved Mary Jane from BET's Being Mary Jane. She is the successful 30something with a great job, nice house and car but no man. No man means no marriage or kids which for some women also means no real purpose or long term happiness. Mary Jane gets caught up with a man, knowing he is married, and eventually decides to live with him as he plans to divorce his wife for her. But, what intrigued me is that in no way did she seem to want to help him better himself after everything. We saw her offer him endless sex and refuge from his patronising wife but nothing more. Yes she accepted all his flaws - only out of desperation I believe, and listened to him compare the two women - a great boost to her self-esteem so why wouldn't she listen!? But not once did she have the balls to tell him what his real issues were until she realised the relationship wasn't working for her and suggested he go back to his family. I am all for self-love and protecting yourself within a relationship but you need to learn how to be selfless and healthily selfish simultaneously. She was happy to have him regardless of the drama he came with, not because they made each other happy but because he was the only thing potentially stopping her becoming a spinster. Besides not having the time for a relationship, I guess this could explain why a number of independent successful women are single. They are so used to making decisions for one and gaining something positive out of it, that when another person is involved they

Was Andre Mary-Jane's last chance at happiness?

 find it hard to consider them especially when the woman may be at a major disadvantage. Additionally, women find it hard to be healthily selfish once in a relationship. We either lose all common sense and give him too much or think we know best and never actually listen when he has something valuable to say. For many of us, including myself this also means knowing when to let him go because we are afraid of being forever alone like Mary Jane so we put up with his rubbish. If you haven't already watched season 1 of being Mary Jane then I definitely suggest you do!

If you have read my 'So What Are We' post then this may sound a little familiar. Men and women share the same emotions, needs, wants and flaws. Society has engrained in us that as a man showing emotion is weak, and women should be submissive and needy in order to be deemed desirable. Having been taught how to maintain a home by her mother, the woman is now perfect and ready to become a wife. She must cater to her man and make him the ever doting family man after living a wild bachelor life. Anything other this will shift the balance and result in a unstable relationship...but thinking in such a manner is now ridiculously outdated. What society doesn't teach us today, is that a woman also needs to find a man to help change her for the better. We need to be open and understand that in no way are we perfect before meeting him and under no circumstances can we change or mould a man without him being willing to do so. Some women are so hell bent on changing a man in to what they consider perfect and focus on his flaws, that they ignore how much he actually does for them. Remember in this season of LHHATL when Erica Dixon told Scrappy that it was only once she left him that she realised how much he did for her? I know a few of you are sitting there saying 'But I've never said I was perfect.' Neither have I, but my ex reminded me that it's not necessarily what you say it's more what you do. We are often very mindful of what comes out of our mouths but tend to forget that our actions speak louder than those word. Sure you have a job, hair and nails on point, cook and have sex when he wants, but are you aware that in perfecting all these external things the flaws you think

can they get back together please!?

you're hiding are even more obvious to him? For many women it's the inability to accept when you're wrong and learning when he corrects you. But from past experience, some men will keep quiet in the hope that it won't happen again. In some cases women try to control the relationship so much that it strips him of his role as 'leader' which messes with his pride and male ego. So he soon becomes tired of tired of arguing with you because you are always 'right'. If you don't realise this then sooner or later you will become the nagging girlfriend. He doesn't want to say anything because you tend to overreact, but this will only make him lose interest. He may still have feelings for you but he cannot leave because you'll go crazy or tell him it's not over. So he seeks comfort in another hassle free woman, who often becomes the side chick. She understands his needs like you once did, but that's a whole different blog post. 

With all this being said, it is important that we enter relationships being self assertive but still open to compromise and change. Trying too hard to keep that 'strong independent woman' image once in an official relationship could kill it before things have even begun. Always keep a small part of you away from him, just to make sure you don't lose all sanity and become the fool, but always understand that sometimes you should be submissive.  When entering a new relationship remember you are only fully equipped to deal with what you have dealt with previously, every man is different so be willing to learn not just impose your ways and rules upon him. Both of you should be selfish in the right way: love only him/her and don't let your eyes wonder, protect what is yours BUT always consider the other person as any decisions made will affect both of you. Overtime your looks will fade to the point where even make up can't save you. If you are blessed to live a long life, you may reach a point where you are no longer able to make his favourite meal and having sex won't be as easy as it once was, so all that will be left is your personality. Being selfish to yourself leads to your own misery and sadly we cannot leave or forget about ourselves. But being selfish to him no matter how good you chicken seasoning abilities are, there is only so much he will tolerate before he calls it quits.