I Love Me Enough For The Both Of Us...

A topic that has taken me some time to write about is self love. A lot of girls and even older women find it hard to admit that they don't love themselves enough or sometimes at all. I don't think enough is being done to support women and promote unity amongst us including the importance of self-love. We crave the attention from others so much that we cannot bare to be alone and now waste much of our day on social media documenting our lives as an escape from reality. Instead, we could be dedicating that time to developing and bettering ourselves and in-turn dealing with the issues that worry us the most. Everything in this post is based on my personal experiences and nothing but advice, it may not work for you but it worked for me x

My self-love journey started in college. Having been bullied and my kindness taken for weakness even by those who I considered friends during school, once I reached sixth form I made the subconscious decision to change. I say subconscious as it was probably part of puberty but it was the start of who I am today. I didn't realise it but I had lost a lot of weight during the summer. I also made real friends with girls who hadn't originally gone to my school, maybe because they went to mixed schools but they weren't as catty as the girls I had known for the previous 5 years and were so much easier to confide in. One night at in 1st year of uni I was talking to a guy who I had met and was afraid he wouldn't like me because of all my insecurities. From the minute we met he told me I lacked confidence and I denied it. This also happened to be the exact same reason my first ever boyfriend broke up with me. He liked me because I seemed so confident and sure of myself but when I was alone I was the complete opposite. I had told myself what my problems were but for the first time I told someone else expecting him to no longer want to speak to me. But to my surprise he laughed and said none of it was a big deal, in fact he said I was even more attractive because I wasn't being so defensive and that I just needed someone to look after me *cue the strong independent woman speech*. But then he disappeared and I received a number of calls from private number which I ignored and later found out it was him calling from prison, awkward :/ lol.

Anyway, the first thing you need to do is address your insecurities and what is stopping you from being happy by yourself. I suggest you do this alone, preferably in your room so you can cry in peace. It may help to write them down or say them aloud because it will feel like you are physically removing them from yourself. Tell yourself that these are my issues and they WILL be dealt with. Hiding or denying them is only hurting yourself. A lot of people are so deep in denial to the point where they cannot be honest with themselves which in many cases can be the point of no return. If you cannot confide in you then how do you expect to trust someone else? It's out in the open now. You don't need to tell anyone you've done this either, this is self-love you don't need anyone's sympathy or opinion just yet. Dealing with physical insecurities such as weight, big/small boobs wide noses etc. doesn't always mean you'll be more confident and love yourself as soon as they are fixed. I met a girl at the gym who went from a size 18 to a size 6 in a few months something many people dream of. She was about 4'11/5ft so you can imagine she was really big before, but the thing that surprised me most was that she felt more confident when she was bigger. This is why I say you need to address your REAL issues ALONE. Very rarely it is your physical attributes that get you down. Many people say that after cosmetic surgey they feel no different even though what they thought was their biggest insecurity is now gone. Long term insecurities that you cannot physically see are often the hardest to deal with, whether it be past experiences and relationships or small things people say that hurt you.

I believe the key to happiness is having a positive attitude even at the worst of times. Now

when things go wrong I don't worry, not because I don't care but because things always get better. Even when you believe you have hit rock bottom there is something positive in the situation that you are yet to see. No matter how small it is, find it, focus on it and you'll be grateful for that negative situation. It may take years but if you are able to wake up day after day then you have a purpose that you are yet to fulfil. On ask.fm a few people described me as conceited and full of myself, I was surprised as no-one I actually know has ever described me like that, well I can't say never but they understand why I am like that I guess. I'll admit I love myself A LOT but if I don't then who will? Having practically grown up an only child because my siblings are significantly older than me, all of my first cousins are scattered all over the globe, and all I had left was close family friends and friends, who I have learnt can't always be trusted. I've had to be my own best friend and grow up quickly because I went through so much alone. It was only recently that I realised how much I deal with as people always run to me for advice or comfort, but rarely ask how I am because I always seem okay. That's when I asked myself 'where do the strong go when they need help?' and the only answer I could think of was themselves. If Beyonce has Sasha and Nicki has Roman and all her other alter ego's then I am FABULOUS, I am a KWEEN and my wig is my crown, no-one can tell me any different.  I live by Fabulosity: feel good, look good, do better and honestly for me it has worked but I still have my down days. A few weeks ago I felt like shit. Feels weird to be admitting this on my blog but for a number of years I have gone through spells of depression and this felt like one of them. I felt so down but had no idea what was wrong. As usual I stayed in my room all day, avoided everyone including my parents, cried and waited for that one person to call me and tell me everything would be okay just like in the movies. But instead I got an email from one of my customers telling me she loved her hair and would purchase again, of course that lifted my mood for a minute but I was still down about something. After crying it all out I felt better. When I woke up a number of days later, suddenly everyone who I wanted to contact me a few days prior was wondering where I had been. If I hadn't learnt to deal with my issues long ago then I can honestly say that you wouldn't be reading this right now -I don't self-harm or anything before people start wondering, but a few years ago I tried to overdose on pain killers. I always look back on my down days and thank God that I am blessed enough to laugh at myself for: (1) worrying about something that was resolved (2) wanting to end something as precious as my life. But that doesn't stop it from happening again. I think it was God telling me that in life you can't depend on anyone but yourself to pick you up no matter how low you feel. People can provide all the attention and support you need but real change comes from within. Loving yourself enough to be brutally honest with your conscience is only the beginning.

People have various coping mechanisms, whether it be religion, the gym, writing, music or starting a new hobby delve into it and educate yourself totally. Dedicating your time to something positive that makes you feel good and eventually mastering it is a great way to build confidence. Not to mention, you'll have a safe haven that you can run to whenever you need that break from reality. When you get into these things you'll often meet people just like you who will be more than willing to trust and support you. Only once you feel you know exactly what your issues are and how you want to deal with them, I believe you should tell someone. Telling someone before you understand exactly what your problem is can often result in you being told off rather than comforted. The person down playing your issues making you feel even worse or worst of all they won't be able to understand and will start judging you like they don't have issues of thei own. People will show you ways to deal with your problems that work for them and not necessarily what you need. Some of you may think it's easier to tell someone everything but this is self-love, learning to be an independent thinker who is the source of their own happiness. Even if you do confide in someone one day you'll have to do it all by yourself so why not right now?

Seeking comfort in men and relationships is not the answer either. Your partner should be your best friend, this does not mean he should control you. I've been there and trust me it isn't worth it at all. Keep a small part of you for you, not only for your sanity within the relationship but to always remind yourself of your worth. It's always those who love too much or give all of themselves that end up getting hurt the most. Even worse, when you break up you'll break down because what supported you most is no longer there and because you're not together you have no real right to contact them so you feel helpless. A lot of the time men will notice your weakness and say nothing. Sometimes because they aren't good with emotions and tears but other times men will notice and take full advantage. They will break you down emotionally and constantly re-reinforce that you alone are worthless and you need him to survive. I can't say I've been in this exact situation but mine was pretty similar. He was aggressive and controlling to begin with, I saw it as him being protective. He gave me money to go out and bought me things but always tried to dictate what I did and forced me to do things I wasn't comfortable with. Eventually he became violent and very forceful so I had to walk away. I've never been one to keep quiet when things bother me so I spoke to him about it. But he told me that I was his woman and he had a right to do those things because I belonged to him, especially when I didn't obey him so he was allowed to put me in my place. It's not like he was any older than me either, we were both 18 at the time and he was the only boy in a house full of women and he also had a daughter so you would have expected him to have a little more respect. Words like his are not loving or caring, if he talks to you like that then he is trying to exert power over you. Love yourself enough to see this is wrong and walk away. It is easier said than done but we all saw how Murdered By My Ex Boyfriend ended. It annoys me when I see so many young girls think

they know it all because their boyfriend is older or they look mature. I just want to shake them and tell them to slow down, your problems are yet to begin. Enjoy your innocence, you won't worry as much when you're older, believe me.

I hope this post will aid you on your journey of self-love, whether you are just beginning or well on your way to happiness. You can read every self help book there is, go to church every Sunday and whatever else people believe will solve their issues but your happiness is determined by you and only you. As women we are all facing daily battles and many of them are the same. I just wish we'd stop competing to be the prettiest, slimmest or most perfect and throwing petty shade at those who have done nothing to us, just to give ourselves that self-esteem boost. Instead we should try to understand and support each other. Before you contact someone to make idle convo and bitch about that girl you don't like, ask how they are even if they don't admit it give them time, they're probably trying to figure it out all by themselves. No-one can say they aren't insecure about anything because we all dislike something about ourselves, no matter how small it is. Lack of self-love will only make it harder for you to love and trust in other relationships, but remember that you hunny are fabulous and you'll be just fine :) x

This post is also dedicated to Teni Ojo. You were a real blessing and a true friend. May your soul rest in peace xo

Any questions or want to request a topic then contact me 

Twitter: @StaceyLeeBanks

Email: staceyleebanks@icloud.com

askFM: yoooNia